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本科作文题目分类1:人生中的重要经历第一篇改后稿
2012年12月19日 博创留学 美国留学第一站 梦想开始的地方  博创留美关注 - 留学聚焦

改后稿:

I would like to recount (recount一词给本文做了一个很好的定位,说明本文也是一篇以记叙为主的文章,描述了作者的一段重要经历) my experience in July 2007 when I tried, explored and won (连续运用三个动词来说明此次活动的挑战性) in the Youth Summit of Shanghai. A rare achievement for a young girl like me, I stood out with ease from 325 competitors in the Summit. While all the competitors were divided into 10 teams. I was named head (the “CEO”) for the Team Six of 32 members. All the teams were in a race to score the best real estate marketing and design projects where the very project that won the most votes from businessmen and raises largest sum of investment at the end will be the winner of the game.

If there is anything I learned with heart and brain from this ferocious (ferocious一词说明此次活动极具挑战性) competition, the highlights will be two lines imprinted here: leadership counts, and teamwork matters.

凡是讲述经历或者重要的事情,一般都会选用记叙文的形式。这里就要注意有事件发生的事件,地点,人物和主要内容,和我们写中文的文章结构相同。在词汇的运用上多使用形容词和副词,可以使文章显得更为生动和充实。最后一句话点明文章的主要内容,也为下文做了很好的伏笔,结构和思路上非常严谨和清晰。

The keys to excel(这里没有用win而是excel,英语中在表示同样的意思上尽量避免词汇的重复) in the competition were to make your project with creativity, practicality and real marketability (三个名词给本段的结构和内容做出定位。接下来便是从这三方面进行描述). The project we put forward was “Hi-Build” Project that stands for high-rises and luxurious commercial properties that place “high” and sell “hot”. Brainstorming was an important first step where I led the team to carefully walk through all the design, fund sources, marketing, features and even advertisement slogans. For three days and nights with little sleep, I came up with a well-developed roadmap to build such a project, breaking down to each team member with his/her task and each day of its agenda and target. Now, the action time! Exactly on my marks, the team designed and drew our own advertisements on wall, to the media and on T-shirts of our 6 different styles of different residential modes and 7 different commercial property models. Our thorough market surveys and painstaking data collections beforehand really counted. To beef up our presentation to “investors,” I created a unique promotion dance for each of the residential modes and models, with their each highlights being fully displayed.

本段内容表现出比赛的激烈和作者的领导才能和团队的合作精神。领导才能的体现不在于开会,而在与计划和打算。另外,这里越有细节的描述就越好。

It was during this process that I realized the values of drawing from the team of talents, not just one person’s ingenuity.(一人之力毕竟是有限的,这里也改用了吸收吸取力量draw from/absorb,就比rely on要更加积极一些) When everyone was exhausted, we took turns to stand for the presentations to clients and investors, and every one took initiatives to act beyond his own schedule. I recalled one night I walked into the office in 7 AM in morning finding out that everyone was sleeping with elbows on the work desks! What a great team. Our great cooperation moved our tem forward as we discussed openly, criticized candidly and learned happily. Whenever I made a mistake, my team would be pointed out with candor and openness, which I believe are true essence for a good teamwork spirit. (with+N. 等同于副词的用法,结构更加活跃一些)

本段主要揭示了这个活动教给小于的是除了领导力以外,在商业上成功很重要的一点就是不要依靠一个人,而是团队合作的重要性。团队精神的本质在于公开的交流和批评以及共同的进步。


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