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本科申请文书中面临的挑战第一篇改后稿
2012年12月19日 博创留学 美国留学第一站 梦想开始的地方  博创留美关注 - 留学聚焦

改后稿:

An actor? On the stage? Me? These words sounded like totally unconnected parts to me in a total void. I had never thought that I could be an actor, but my performance in the first year of high school totally rocked that into pieces. 
这个开头就显得有一些有趣了,让人觉得为什么你不能去表演呢?往下看看。

Six feet high and almost 200 pounds in weight, I am big, clumsy and you’re right, very timid in mind. (要写得更加戏剧化一些,把自己的劣势完全的写出来) My requirement course of Chinese literature asked us to perform a staged play with selected textbook scripts. Needless to say, this will be graded as final score, and we had only one month. Feeling panic was an understatement to me, and I was almost hit by fear and worries upon the news. I had never tried to walk myself to stage, let alone playing it. Fat boy just can not dance.

从开始的惊慌失措到决定选择最重要的角色来演,是一个多么大的挑战啊!读者也很想知道接下来作者是如何向自己挑战并最终取得成功的。

But I decided to dance this time. I could have chosen a less important role with limited lines and minimum time on stage, but I thought since I probably would fail as a little role, I lose nothing by taking this opportunity to face the challenge. In the end, I chose the leading role that would have to speak the most on stage and memorize the most scripts backstage.
这里就把前因后果给介绍清楚了,而且也显出小其的性格,有点破罐破摔的感觉,其实就是一种勇气和果敢,既然小角色也有可能演不好,还不如抓住这个机会演个主要角色。

Our group rehearsed every afternoon after school. During the group discussion of meaning and presentation of each line, many of my ideas were welcome as sharp and accurate by the group. I built up confidence with each discussion and rehearsal. But I still needed to hone my skills. (hone磨练技巧,锻炼)I squeezed my time to arrange 3 nights for 3 shows in Beijing People’s Art Theatre, where I watched and learned by heart how actors rendered, delivered and presented their roles. ( 这里写得更明确一些,render是表演中表现和阐述的意思) Each of their lines and gestures simply intrigued me. (intrigue是阴谋的意思,这里作动词是使着迷,同义词有mesmerize, attract, fascinate, enthrall和captivate) I took careful notes after each show I watched of the performing techniques I observed. Gradually, I became more comfortable with the acting and speaking on the stage. Memorizing notes and scripts even when I was walking, showing and eating, I had also tried to do so when sleeping, but I failed. (这样写就幽默一些,也不会这么平淡) At home, I asked my father to be my audience and gave me some suggestions on my performance.

讲述小其是怎样进行刻苦的努力,到戏院去学习和记录,争取每一分钟进行练习和背诵台词,通过各种方法来提高自己的水平。这个过程是艰苦又充满了挑战的,也是最有收获和增长自信的最好方法。

The final show was memorable.(本段讲述的是最终的演出是如何值得纪念的)Nervous no more, I firmly believed that I could accomplish it this time. It started and I walked onto the stage with the first act, Thunderstorm, as I felt I was actually in a dark night with heavy rain. Why? A fat boy was alone on the stage while hundreds of eyes were centered upon him! Hands sweating and legs trembling, I hid from the audience my tension and anxiety. During the intermissions, I was gasping and forgetting to take out my notes and script for a make-up glimpse. Calm down, I told myself, and try to ignore the surroundings and focus on the delivering of my performance. My part was finished flawlessly and we got a standing ovation at the end of our performance.. (完美无缺,perfectly, faultlessly, impeccably也可以这么说) Funny thing is that everyone meeting later call me Mr. Zhou, the name of the leading role in play instead of my real name.( 从侧面反映出演出的成功,这和“我”平时的刻苦努力是分不开的)

I feel like a new person after the play, no longer the shy and timid fat boy always with his mouth shut and head down. What it takes are courage and practice to overcome the inner fear, while confidence is not just something free, but what you have to fight for. Trusting myself and following my heart always, I learnt how to achieve more by asking myself for more.

从当初的自卑恐惧到勇敢的战胜自己,小其的蜕变过程融入在整篇文章中展现在我们面前。很多同学也会像他那样自卑怯懦过,但并不是每个人都能像作者那样能够骨气勇气向自我挑战。正如小其在最后一段所说“自信是战胜内心恐惧的勇气和尝试,它不是生来就有的,而是要通过自己来争取”。如果看完小其的经历后,你也能像他那样勇于挑战自己,这就是这篇文章的最大魅力所在。

小其同学最大特点不在于爱好探索科学,而在于自己的勇气和果敢,这点不是每个同学都具备的。参加一次戏剧表演,看似简单,但从申请大学的角度来看,是非常有意义的。小其申请的大学里,大部分都欣赏创新勇气和自我意识强的同学。小其最终被密歇根安娜堡分校,伊利诺依香槟分校,北卡罗来纳教堂山分校等录取。

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